You don’t have to dread dating… The Buddha will tell you why❤️
When it comes to dating, fear and anxiety are not exactly our allies.
Know what I’m saying? If you’ve ever avoided the dating apps at all costs – or feel nauseous just thinking about dating – it’s probably less about dating itself and more about the effect it has on you.
You might feel like pins and needles waiting to hear back from someone you find super-hot and intriguing.
You might be a ball of nerves before a first date.
Or you might dread dating because you feel like you only meet a bunch of duds (like the opposite of super-hot to you).
If so, you could be attaching some high stakes to each dating experience. And that could be tripping you up, love.
What can Buddhist philosophy teach us about the dating experience – and how to make it more joyful?
Well, the Buddha didn’t exactly ponder dating as he was sitting under the bodhi tree.
But there’s a reason that Charlotte Kasl named her excellent dating book If the Buddha Dated – it’s because there’s so much of his wisdom that can keep us on an even keel in the dating world.
Even the Buddhist teachings on death. Stay with me, love. You know I always land in a positive place.😘
During a meditation class I took in Santa Barbara once, the teacher gave a reflection on the Buddhist teaching about impermanence – specifically, the impermanent nature of our existence.
While this may seem morbid, it’s about embracing our mortality in order to calm our fears and anxiety about death. If you’re reflecting on it each day, it becomes less of a scary unknown.
Here’s the specific technique I learned. As soon as you wake up in the morning, you meditate on these phrases:
Today could be my last day.
I don’t know when my last day is going to arrive.
If today were my last day, how would I want to live it?
The idea is that we would relish every single moment in that day – perhaps calling a loved one to thank them for being in our lives, taking delight in small acts of kindness, splashing happily through puddles on rainy days if our inner child (or our actual child) says to. Then we live that day fully.
And we get to do it all over again when the next day comes along.
I was single when I took that meditation class, and the parallels to dating felt powerful. After all, no matter how excited I got about someone, or how much I had convinced myself that they were the one for me, I didn’t really know what would happen.
For all I knew, there could be an ex- waiting in the wings, poised to make a welcome reappearance in their lives. Or they could have a sudden change of heart, moving on from me if they didn’t feel a connection. Or I could later change my mind and realize it just wasn’t a fit.
On the other hand, I could go out with someone I wasn’t excited about at all, and the date might end up going great. Even still, there would be no telling what the endgame might be.
All of these scenarios were regular occurrences in my dating life.
So why not apply the idea of impermanence to dating? And meditate on these phrases before each date:
This could be my last date with this person.
It might not be.
But I just don’t know the paths our lives are going to take from here.
I have surrendered that question to the Universe.
Then I could ask myself:
If today were my last date with this person, what might I want to find out about them as a human being?
What questions would I ask to discover who they are and how they move through the world?
What experiences would I want to have with them on this date? What would I enjoy telling them about my own life?
These internal questions can propel you to go on some of the best dates of your life, especially when you bring ease and relaxation to them.
Just like the Buddhist meditation on death, we are not doing this reflection because we are dreading an inevitable end (in this case, of the relationship). Instead, we are calming our own anxiety and fears about the connection itself – and releasing the high stakes.
Then we get to do it all over again when the next date comes along.
(And if you’re on a date with someone you really don’t like, the idea of impermanence can be a saving grace – reminding you that this is a fleeting experience… A blip on your dating radar🤪).
When you date with a balanced mind like this, you can find as much pleasure in the journey as you will find in the ultimate destination (deep love with your sacred partner❤️).
Because if you truly search inside yourself, you may find that what you most want to end is not exactly your single status, but the feelings you have about being single.
If you can ease those feelings and relish the dating journey, love is freer to walk right into your life. In the meantime, you get to enjoy the ride.
And by the way, your single status itself is impermanent. It’s destined to change because life is always changing, and always can change.
That idea brought me profound comfort when I was single – and I hope it brings the same to you, dear one.
You got this! I’m cheering you on from my own metaphorical bodhi tree – my writing desk in Los Angeles, where I now live with my true love (I wonder where you’ll live one day with yours?❤️😉) Send me a postcard when you get there!
For now, leave a comment and tell me what you took away from this post, dear one.💕
(And share this post with a friend who might need it today).
Christina McMahon is a love coach and certified somatic counselor. Over the past seven years, she has helped hundreds of conscious singles remove inner barriers to love and step into the love life they desire and deserve.
Schedule your free consult call with Celeste, Christina’s Client Care Specialist and discover if love coaching is the right path to your Big Love.
